Oat milk is the superior dairy-free milk

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We all know that normal milk is devil juice. But what about non-dairy milk? Which one is superior? Well, I started drinking oat milk recently and I can’t believe I used to drink anything else. It is literally heaven and everyone needs to switch to this superior milk as soon as possible.

Look, I love the devil’s juice. If I could have it in my morning coffee every day, I would. But I named it after Satan for a reason, and that’s because my lower intestines feel like they are doing an exorcism when I drink it. Because of this, I’ve spent most of my adult life trying every non-dairy milk I could get my hands on.

I started with almond milk and see it’s ok. It was on everyone’s lips in 2015 and I wanted to feel like a middle-aged Caucasian woman. But unfortunately the taste is just not there. It’s not creamy enough like regular milk, and unless it’s a high-quality brand like Milk Lab – it literally tastes like an asshole.

Then I discovered soy and quickly became a convert. A soy latte was my favorite for years, followed by the underrated soy cappuccino. I really thought soy was my end game milk. I thought I found that one.

It foams better, goes well with espresso, and is better than almond. But there are some drawbacks. Soy milk is very easy to burn, and burnt soy milk is the equivalent of eating dirt. I would argue it’s even worse than a low brand almond milk. It is inedible.

What’s even more disgusting is that burnt soy milk can turn into that mysterious lump of soy. Imagine drinking coffee and then suddenly swallowing a strange lump. I hate it and feel emotional right now when I think about it.

Here too, soy milk is very brand dependent. I’m that annoying person who asks the barista what soy milk they use. I literally left a store because they use Vitasoy. Sorry, but I prefer to drink diarrhea.

Then one day I noticed that some of my friends were starting to order oat coffee and I was intrigued. It was hard enough for my pea brain to understand how almonds could be milked without an almond bite. But oats ?? Under no circumstance.

But I made it scorching hot and I really believe that I saw God. He was wearing a duck suit and sunglasses. Oh wait, when I think about it I think that was actually just Minor Figures’ oat milk logo.

What I love about oat milk is that it is creamy and has a really nice aftertaste. Look, it’s not milk. But I’ll take oat milk instead of cow’s milk and poop my pants every day of the week.

I am truly an oat milk convert and I URGENTLY encourage you to throw your almond latte or soy flat white in a bush or oncoming traffic somewhere (please don’t really do that) and drink oat milk instead. I have no other reason than that it tastes better and is kind of cooler.

Almonds and soy have a strange stigma attached to them. Maybe it’s because people associated this milk with the vegan movement five years ago? But oat milk is the new kid on the block and doesn’t bear that stigma.

Oat milk is superior to dairy-free milk, bitch.

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